Tags
Anxiety, Blogging, Change, Despair, ego, Hope, Insecurities, Jealousy, Mental Breakdown, Staying Positive, Understanding, walking on eggshells
Well, it has been a LONG time since I tapped out my emotions here in blogger land for a myriad of reasons. My journey has been rather an Adventure over the past 2 Years, full of Mountains and Valleys, Deserts and Floods, Sunshine and Rain! As much as I enjoy writing and find this to be my most Creative and Fulfilling way of Expressing myself, It’s not always easy to set aside the time to sit and write in a way that, for me, is presentable enough to publish on the World Wide Net!
Instead, I have been jotting my thoughts and feelings down into my good old fashioned Diaries, in a way that really only make sense to me! But those scrambled words and sentences have helped me process my state of mind and helped me as I have navigated through the stormier waters!
I have altered the subtitle of this blog to reflect , more, ALL I value in life; I want to include in my header those beings who have played such Huge roles in helping me through a bumpy ride in my journey and Continue to be a Pivotal Part of my Life, and without whom, life would be emptier.
Valuing Veganism as a belief system continues to be my Driving Forces and I strive to remain consciously aware that my Daily choices be a reflection of my Deepest Values: Kindness, Respect, Compassion, Courage, Vision, Integrity, Commitment and Concern for others.
This isn’t always an easy thing to do However. I’m Completely Far from Perfect. There are aspects of my personality that I don’t like and I’ve spent much of the past year or so feeling sorry for myself, feeling Cross and Irritated, and worst of all, feeling ….Jealous!!! I am ashamed to admit this publicly but I want to write in a way that is honest and authentic and, without fessing up to experiencing this unhealthy and unhelpful Feeling, I can’t write with integrity.
I’ve come to learn, however, that this instinctive feeling is purely because my ego has been dented and is a reflection of the insecurities and inadequacies that I have, although after making it through the fog of the last 2 years, I would like to hope that some of that insecurity and feeling of inadequacy has been resolved. I do feel stronger and I don’t feel resentful anymore. In fact, I feel more Compassion and Love than ever, even if it is tinged with a little impatience every now and then!
It is Love that has enabled My Beautiful Immediate Family and I to surf the waves of emotion that have washed over us this past year, leaving us now feeling that we are floating on a calmer sea….And it feels OK to finally be writing about this so publicly, because a nearly 2 years have passed since those first ripples started to emerge!……..
I first noticed an undercurrent that something wasn’t right 2 Springs ago (around the time of the last entry ) when My usually Very reliable, mentally & physically strong and Always dependable Husband started to show worrying signs of an unusual thinking pattern. I remember the 1st time when I really began to realise that I couldn’t understand or answer his questions. Until then, I hadn’t really felt concerned and generally felt able to support and advise him, a lot in part, I believe because of my training as a CBT therapist, working with many individuals experiencing negative and unhelpful thought pattern.
We were outside in the garden, The Spring Sun was giving a strong indication that Summer was just around the corner, and being aware that husband had been a little on the quiet side that day, I asked him if he was OK. The response that followed felt a little unsettling as he proceeded to tell me that he was struggling to understand what his purpose was and why he was here.
For many of us, this is a question that we have probably asked ourselves many times, and for the lucky among us, we have found an answer. I am still learning and understanding my purpose here on Mother Earth and I have done a lot of soul searching in my life to get me to a place where I finally feel found and generally at peace but goodness knows there are days when my peace is shattered and I feel completely lost!
Husband had talked about these feelings before, he had often made reference to the question “why am I here” and I had done my best to encourage him to understand that we are all here to “change the world for the better in our own small way”. When I write that now, it feels so patronising and ignorant because I now know that Husband was teetering on the edge of a Very High Cliff and just about to freefall all the way down. So, with my unhelpful response, he suppressed these feelings for the rest of the Summer, pushing them to the back of his mind and he carried on with the life he knew and believed to be the path he ought to be following and I hoped that He would maybe take some time off to rest, perhaps go and see a doctor, life coach, or even a Spiritual Therapist/Healer who could expand on my simple answer to his question. He did none of this, and in true stoic Husband fashion, refused to believe that he was becoming unwell and buried his head deeper in the sand, staying later at work and taking more on.
As the Sun set on Summer, we were heading for an explosion of Autumn colours which was to shake our stable and safe lives to the core. In the Late Autumn of 2012, the light and warmth of Summer was abruptly bought to an end as an unfamiliar atmosphere descended on our home. Although there had been signs of what was to come, No one could have prepared us for the tornado that was about to tear through our Very beings….Overnight.
Husband had a break down on a Saturday night when we were on a rare trip out to the Cinema. This manifested itself in stages; first he had to pull over while driving us there and asked me to take over the driving. I started to feel some concern as this was completely out of character, but wanted to keep everything as calm as possible by avoiding drawing attention to this unusual behaviour.
He had gone pale and looked very frightened and described having thoughts that he didn’t understand, and feeling out of control. This “out of control” feeling was to be his overriding emotion for the next few months.
Of course, neither of us, at this point knew what was happening and we went to the Cinema as planned but Husband was unable to sit through the film and we left as his mental distress started to really take hold. I drove home by which time, He was clinging to me, asking me not to leave him, acting and looking terrified. Neither of us slept that night, husband because he couldn’t free himself of the thoughts that he described as being like a swirling swarm, and me because I was absolutely stunned at what was happening to the strong and together man that I had known for 17 years.
When my husband picked up the phone to his boss on the Sunday morning and, for the first time in 12 years, told him that, NO, he wasn’t alright and was suffering from terrible anxiety and fear and couldn’t come into work tomorrow, the floodgates opened.
Husband had admitted that he wasn’t coping. He had said it publicly and now he didn’t have to fight anymore to be the strong, capable one who always said Yes and would do anything for anyone. He had been strong for too long and his strength had finally given up on him.
He did not find it easy to admit that he couldn’t cope and this contributed to his illness, certainly for the 1st few weeks. He wouldn’t allow himself to believe that this could happen to him. He felt weak and ashamed. He couldn’t hear us tell him that it wasn’t a sign of weakness to admit that he could no longer go on shouldering so much responsibility, more that it was an indicator of the inner strength that he still had that would help him in his recovery.
The next months were as dark and gloomy in our household as they were outside. The rich, Autumn Colours gave way to a bare, naked and sad looking landscape as Nature sang her swansong and leaves fell from the trees to a ground where the plants had retreated and died. The dark nights and cold days replaced the warmth of the Autumn Harvest and we experienced the transition from Light to dark all too painfully.
A year and a half on from those early days, when we were dragged down into the deep dark sea of a Nervous Breakdown, I can start writing again. Life has resumed some kind of natural rhythm and I can find time to indulge my creative outlet.
I hope that the process of writing will subdue the recent flashbacks that have been haunting my dreams, making me wake up feeling anxious and confused, perhaps, because Husband is currently experiencing a bout of the anxiety and sleeplessness that is never far away.
Well Over a year on, life is very different than it was before Husband’s breakdown. He changed career and is a much happier and more fulfilled person. There is still a long way to go on his road to recovery and we both believe he will be working on it for the rest of his life. If he doesn’t, he risks becoming unwell again. However, if you asked him now, he would say he is about 80% recovered which is a statement that he believed he would never be able to say at the beginning of 2013. When you are going through the Mental and Emotional Torment of Breakdown, it feels like you will never get better.
The last 2 years have not been an easy, although I didn’t realise it at the time! It’s only on reflection that I can see the pressure pot was growing! Much of the time, I have felt as though I am walking on egg shells and there is no doubt that I do not have completely the same husband as I did before. But for what I have lost, I have gained a deeper connection and understanding of and with Husband.
As Socretes said, No Human Condition is Permanent and as we move towards another Spring and the earth asserts it’s need to move on as colour starts to reintroduce itself to a rather brown, wet and muddy landscape, I have never understood this more profoundly!